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Sunday, December 7, 2014

Is This All There Is?


Growing up, my number one goal was to be the first woman president. So much so, that I would sometimes get nervous that someone would beat me to it (looking at you Hillary), and I felt so anxious and excited to get started on my political career path.

As I moved on to middle school and high school, I decided I’d much rather be a writer. I love words, and I love to read, so I created visions in my head of myself in coffee shops a la JK Rowling struggling to survive as I completed my masterpiece.

Then along came college. I guess I should have majored in poli sci or English, but they just seemed impractical and self-indulgent. So I stuck with econ, as my parents urged me to do, even though it felt more logical then lighting me on fire with passion.


And now here I am. I’m twenty-three. I have a great job, and I love my co-workers. I’m living in a big city like I had always wanted to. But  there are so many days where I feel like screaming “IS THIS IT?!” I know I’m not alone, and that this is a very ‘twenty something’ thing to feel, but it seemed like for my whole life the world was before me and I could do anything. And now it feels like there are too many closed doors. What about my book? What about my rise to political power? What about getting discovered? Or seen? Or heard? Or read?

I know it’s silly. I started this blog because I called myself creative, and my friend said, “oh really, what do you create?” And besides wanting to punch him in the face for being an asshole, I suddenly was on fire with the need to create something. I like the satisfaction of putting my words out there for anyone to see. But it still sometimes doesn’t feel like enough. I’m sure this seems pathetic, I’m twenty-three, and I’m lamenting the loss of my youth. Certainly there is still so much time to achieve these old goals if I really wanted to, but don’t you ever just feel like it’s too late for anything?

Sorry this was so moany, complainy. And sorry I haven’t posted in way too long. If ya didn’t catch on, I’ve been in a bit of a funk. 

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